A Brief Dialogue on Marriage

J: So, K, you've been with your significant other for a while now. Any wedding or proposal plans in the future?
K: Uhh, well, no. I just don't know if I'm comfortable with the idea of marriage.
J: What? Marriage is the ultimate expression of love for another person! You're obviously just afraid of commitment.
K: Well, maybe that is part of it. All a marriage really is is a contract that says "X will not cheat on or leave Y, and all financial burdens between X and Y shall be shared." What the hell else is there?
J: No way! Marriage isn't about the legal contract! Its a sacred bond to promise your love to another person through thick and thin, for the rest of your soul's existence--
K: I'm agnostic; I don't believe in the soul.
J: --ok, well then the rest of your life. I mean, most people see it as a promise in front of God, but I don't see why you couldn't make that same commitment in a secular way. Marriage, for a non-religious person, is just a promise in front of the world to spend a life with someone, through thick and thin.
K: Alright, maybe you are right about that one. Still, I just don't think marriage is for me.
J: So its a commitment issue.
K: I guess it is technically a commitment issue. But its not like you think. Its not like I just want to sleep around some more. Its that marriage, in both senses we've defined it, is not something I'm interested in.
J: How have we defined it?
K: First there is my inclination--legal contract.
J: Yes, and we've covered that.
K: Yes, we have. So there is the second--
J: Right--marriage is an act of love in which two souls become one--and you can certainly interpret that in a secular way. Its a promise to God and/or the world at large that you will love and cherish this person for the rest of your life.
K: Ok, there you go. So I don't fall into that second definition either. I'm not ready to make that promise.
J: Maybe your significant other and you just aren't right for each other...
K: What?
J: Well if you don't feel that way after being with them for this long...
K: No! Its not a lack of love, I love them with all my heart! Its that I am not ready to give up my personhood to become 'one-soul'.
J: Yes, but that is only in a metaphorical sense for a non-religious person like you.
K: Ok, but I'm not ready for that, even in a metaphorical way.
J: What do you mean? How could you not be ready for a 'metaphorical bond'?
K: Well, it seemed like more than a 'metaphorical bond' a minute ago. You seem to be implying, intentionally or not, that because I'm not religious, I shouldn't take marriage so seriously.
J: Well, its not that you shouldn't take it seriously. Its just that, with God seemingly not being involved...
K: Its a life-long promise; its more than a promise! I am offended by the notion that you think because I am a secular person I should get married willy-nilly.
J: Its not 'willy-nilly'! Besides, who uses that phrase anymore anyway? Listen, I'm just saying that you are being stubborn over a simple metaphorical issue, and its ridiculous. If your partner wants to get married, and you love them, why not do it?
K: Because I take marriage seriously, for better or worse; I take it to be as we have defined it, and politely decline from practicing in the institution. It may very well be for others, but I don't feel comfortable making such a big promise.
J: What is it that scares you of it so much? You don't want to be with your significant other after a while or something?
K: No, its not that. To be honest, I can't imagine being without them. But I don't think it is fair to my future self to make such a big commitment. The fact is, who I am today is different in a lot of significant ways from who I was 5 years ago. And I see no reason for this constant self-change to end.
J: That is fine! That is just one of the difficulties of marriage. If you took marriage as seriously as you claim to, you could work through you and your spouse's changes.
K: I understand what you are saying. But my objection isn't that it would be too hard. Its that getting married, as I see it, is making a promise for someone else--my future self. I wouldn't expect my self 5 years ago to make decisions for me today--it would fuck it all up. So why should I do the same to the person who will exist in this body years from now?
J: You are thinking too hard about this. Marriage isn't a great philosophical issue.
K: I'm afraid I disagree. Everything is a philosophical issue, and if not everything, then at least huge social institutions and abstract concepts such a marriage are.
J: Maybe once you meet the right person, you will see my position better.
K: We've clearly reached a stalemate. For I am with the person I would marry, were I to marry anyone. It is not my potential spouse I am rejecting. It is the institution.
J: You think too much.



Its good to be back.